I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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