i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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