It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
