I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
