I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
