he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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