Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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