I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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