I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Text me some of your sweat
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
