you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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