Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
