I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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