i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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