At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
