Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
