I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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