I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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