is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
how does that bad decision feel?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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