Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
