While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
