Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just invented taco cereal.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.