Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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