last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
