why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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