god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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