Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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