You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
