my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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