he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
