dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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