Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
