maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
