Her vagina should come with caution tape.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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