He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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