I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Holy sore nipples Batman
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
