"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My life is pants optional.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
