I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
