the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
