Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
