They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
