OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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