I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
