My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
