I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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