I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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