I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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