I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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