im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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