i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
