I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You are a genius and a whore.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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