I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
my vag is so smooth its legendary
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
