My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
