Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
