You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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