I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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