i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
