I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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