Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
