Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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