I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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